Our Own Cinderella Pact

OK Hello All its been a while but I'm back with news. My friend and I have started our very own CINDERELLA PACT! which is a diet an exercise plan we have created with the purpose of reaching a certain weight an a goal. Currently i weight 133lbs my goal weight is 123lbs. i go to see my boyfriend May 21 so as you can see i don't have much time to get to my weight goal and make it my constant weight.In fact i only have about 26 days. My goal is to be able to look good in a camo string bikini that i really really really want. Each Sunday i will make a post letting everyone know progress an weight wish us luck!

Love letter

Dear Lover boy (lol)

I hold you dear
you are who I think about day to day
I'm writing you this letter so you know your on my mind
and that your the only guy who drives me wild
I miss your lips pressed against mine
your arms I no longer feel
your heart I can no longer hear
I count down the days to when we meet next
the more I count
the further away you seem to get
my hair stays a mess
my legs I hate to shave
going out sucks I never know what to wear
all of it dosnt seem to matter if your not here
my beds always half empty
and my heart always seems lonely
but I want you to know I love you baby
I miss your smile
and the look you feed me when ive done something dumb
I miss the sound of your voice and our reasuring talks
as long as your with me you can belive you'll never have to worry
because can't no other man do it like you honey lol
I hate getting txt if there not from you
I sometimes wish everyone else would stop calling my phone
I smile when you say baby
I glow when you say I love you
I tingle when you tell me u miss me
because I know iv finally found the one I'm meant to be with


P.S if you haven't already guessed ill let you in
on a little secret I'm totally inlove with you

Sexual Fear =-/ (convo with me an a friend..i also added in some side points)

Mandy says:

i wonder if i can get sick on may 20th (im suppose to fly out to see my boyfriend may 21st)

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

>_> dude

if you don't wanna have sex

tell him

or dont go

that way

you avoid it all together

Mandy says:

thats why i wanna get sick the day before =_= an its not that i dont want him im scared ill get scared an push him away =_=" thus ending in a fight.i hate fighting

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

true

Mandy says:

i feel like a rape victim when im really the one who victimized myself because i didnt want to fight or be yelled at( for those who are lost i let my first/exboyfriend have his way with me an conformed to everything he said so he wouldnt yell at me an so we wouldnt get into fights)ps...yes i know i was stupid

i feel like im that girl all over again

its 40 plus days away an im already shaking in fear

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

*pats*

if he cares for you

then he'll either

take it slow

or not do it at all

he might seem as though he wants it

because you're not there

but once you get there

and he sees it for himselr

self*

then he'll judge

and see how to take it

Mandy says:

he dosnt even know im scared

an i dont know how to explain it

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

THEN TELL HIM INFIDEL!!

just as how you told me

you tell him

can't make it any clearer

>_>

END OF CONVO

to explain the convo above i don't know how to explain to him how i feel when it seems that we are about to have sex. or rather i don't know how to make him listen long enough to what i have to say. my friend said that from how i explained it to her she believes I'm Coitophobic which is a condition of having an abnormal, and extreme fear of having sexual intercourse. personally when i am put in a position that is sex related i either cry or become very scared and tend to look like a deer in hide lights to say the lease. however this only occurs for me when the guy takes the sexual lead. i personally however can not take the lead my self because id stop at foreplay an then get scared an timid as to what happens next. Time is ticking and the time for me to see him is getting closer an closer i don't know what to do and i don't want to loose him but if i told him all this i doubt he'd believe me at this point only 3 people believe everyone else just think its a joke =(

Is sex really that important prt2

Ok I'm really sorry you guys for repeating a topic but i need to get this outta my system. So thanks to you i have an understanding that i don't find sex to be important or worth while because of my past bad experience and that maybe i need someone to treat me as if it was my first time so i wont be cynical to the idea. But what you guys don't know is that the well on that story runs deeper then you know. Ok to put it simply I am very much fucked up in the head about sex. when i was younger if my ex boyfriend wanted it i gave into him because it was my first experience with a guy outside of friendship(aka i was stupid as hell). But oh well i cant change the past and the problem right now is the present. So here's the thing my boyfriend has made it very clear that he wants to have sex with me but I'm scared. and i don't mean scared as in i don't think I'm ready i mean if a guy climbs on top of me or tries to penetrate me i become terrified. My boyfriend and my friend slept over at my house an as a joke he tackled me on the bed n i went into shock my friend noticed why i reacted the way i did but he didn't an i played it off saying what are u doing shes watching we laughed an he stopped. Every time i try to bring up how i feel about sex he thinks its either me being modest or i need to loosen up. Then he says am i so wrong for wanting my girlfriend in every way. I totally understand where he is coming from but i wish he could understand my problem and my fear.

Rather lonely

So it's only been a Little over a month since iv last seen him but i cant help but feel lonely. I guess he is really busy at the moment because he doesn't call an he barely ever txt me. I don't know if this is weird or not but i light up when i get a txt from him but as soon as I reply i feel lonely because i know that i might not get a reply from him. at least when he gos to bed he txt me saying goodnight so i know he is thinking of me. Now that i think about it i think all of his txt he sends is just to let me know I'm on his mind. which is probable why once i respond i get nothing back. eh who knows I'm just talking in circles here. to be honest when he usually went away it never really bothered me because we talked alot but now that we don't talk at all everything seems so blah. I try to pass the time by planing what to bring when i go see him at his base so far i only know the 6 books I'm bringing to help me pass the time when hes working =_=". It sucks that i still have 49 days to wait until i can be in his arms again but that's just the way it is. Plus I'm lucky because alot of other army girlfriends/boyfriends have a much longer wait than i. Ok I'm gonna stop wasting every ones time with this blog n say goodnight.

I wish he could really read my mind

OK I'm back again an don't worry I'm pretty sure this will be a short post. but given my last post an what i learned through feed back i just honestly wish that he could read my mind. Hes great at reading my facial expression an emotions when we are together but because we are barely ever together i wish he could read my mind from a distance. which is stupid of me to wish cuz its an unfair thought and wish my mind is jacked up lol even if he could read it i doubt he would understand it hell even i don't get it all the time.

His job

So i got asked what i thought to be a weird question. Have i ever asked him to not continue on in his Army career once his contract is up. Well technically he has already chosen to work passed his contract o.o. Which he told me after he made the decision. He would have been out of the army today if he had choice to leave.(an i do mean today as in 3/26/10) ironic how i got asked this huh lol. But in all honesty iv never once complained about his job or asked him to leave. we have talked about things like what he'd do after the army but that's only if theres an after. I know for a fact that he loves his job an I'm proud of him for that. I here people complain about what their doing with there lives an how they hate their job. And although his job holds alot of responsibility an can be tiring an dangerous at the end of the day he wants to be there. He loves what he dose an is proud of it so why would i complain. ...An when i told my friend that she asked me what about you how do u feel about it even though he loves his job you still have to be clear across the country from him an if he would have considered you why was he willing to stay longer in the army. An to that i say yea it sucks he didn't talk to me about it but it's his life an he deserves to live it to the fullest when your in a relationship you should always consider the person your with but you should never put limitations on your own life. I'll always be sad when i half to say goodbye or worry ever time hes sent to Iraq but i love him so i accept all these terms. The way i see it is that to him I'm important an his job is important so he should never have to choose an i wont put him in a position where he has to.

IS SEX REALLY THAT IMPORTANT? =/

Ok so I'm back again, did ya miss me? Ok ok so as you can see my topic this time is sex. As i explained in my about me an earlier blogs I'm a new Army girlfriend and I'm currently in a relationship with my best friend of five yrs. Now before i continue i feel the need to say I love my boyfriend, hes an all around great guy who supports me in every thing i do. He can be a bit old fashion at times which can be either cute or annoying but at the end of each day there isn't not a doubt in my mind that I'm important to him. Ok with that said we have only been dating for a little over a month and since hes gone back to base he is constantly bringing up sex. Now i must admit there is always a lot of sexually chemistry between the two of us an its not like we haven't know each other for a long time but even for the times when i think i wanna i just cant. I am not a big fan of sexually activities iv had sex before with my first boyfriend an was board to death i even read a book while he was doing what ever it was he was doing. But that's beside the point i don't really care for sex. I think its gross because of all the body fluids an more importantly I'm sill not comfortable with my body i don't like being naked i hate people seeing me naked hell my own mother doesn't even know what i look like naked. At this point i don't know if this topic bothers me because hes pushing it or because I'm too immature. I just think things like that should just happen an it shouldn't be planed or pushed. Apparently sex is important in a relationship so everyone keeps telling me but i just don't know(sorry if this post isn't making any sense) but i don't understand. I don't understand why he suddenly went from talking to me all night on the phone about our future to texting me about sex. Is it because hes in the army and constantly apart from me that now sex seems to be a big topic or am i just to naive about relationships and how things really work.(i hate having to think about this )

spring break without him =(

Ok so we survived our first fight/stupid disagreement over sexting(yea that's what the fight was over for those who read my last post an had the biggest piece of info missing). Moving right along i want to thank everyone who commented an gave me advice as well as my friends outside of my blog ...well all but one lol i have a friend that said guys have needs an i should attend to them...about that lol i believe in compromise in a relationship but not conforming to, i like my morals an i stick to them. But that's not what this blog is about spring break is coming up for me it starts Friday an i have plans to hang out with friends, go shopping, the movies even clubbing. My boyfriend is always telling me i need to go out more an have fun so i plan to try an do just that next week but going out without him feels weird. An no I'm not just assuming it will be weird I know it will be. just last week i went to the movies with a group of 12 people after the movie we were loud we had fun we ate waffles at 2 in the morning lol but i kept looking at my phone an i even texted him. I felt guilty for going out because he wasn't with me(is that weird?). How am i suppose to go out to the movies again or clubbing(which iv never done) with him not there? i don't feel right knowing that hes working an I'm playing. (=_=" any army girlfriends leaving in NY missing there soldier wanna go bowling with me instead)*sigh*

First Fight

HEY GUYS...(WELL SINCE BOTH OF MY FOLLOWERS ARE GIRLS) HEY GIRLS! DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT'S THE BEST PART ABOUT FIGHTING WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND WHEN YOUR AN ARMY GIRLFRIEND ........I'LL TELL YOU IT'S FIGHTING OVER LIL SHIT AN WHILE YOUR DOING IT OVER A FUCKING PHONE OR VIA TXT AN IF U WANNA FIGHT FACE TO FACE INVEST IN A WEBCAM LIKE I DID IT MAKES FIGHTING ALL THE MORE PERSONAL! ok ok sorry let me back this up a lil me an my boyfriend had our first fight he is used to always getting his way an I'm not the type to give into anyone(yea I'm a stubborn jackass) but in this case i don't think i was wrong because i did give a lil an i compromised with him although he didn't bother to notice an kept running off at the mouth until i wanted to tell him go fuck yourself(but don't worry i didn't) i kept my self together which is hard cuz I'm a very opinionated person an i say what i fell 98% of the time. GRRRR ok so he went off to calm himself down an i cooled off as well later in the night he sent a txt saying sorry (don't you just love the impersonalness of it all)....wait is that even a word impersonalness ....o well I'm sure you know what i mean anyways i cant bring myself to forgive him we have been friends for 5yrs he should know the things that tick me off an the things i stand for as a person an i get that I'm not like any girl he has ever dated but i also don't need to be reminded of that an especially by him. for him to say it makes me feel so if I'm not what u usually go for why chase me down for 5YRS if in the end I'm not what you want.

i dont have a title

WOW its been forever since my last post so much to get out ok lets see where shall i start. Ok so as you know iv been looking for a job so i can go see my boyfriend i have even improved my grades so that my parents would let me go without having any concerns or excuses when i told my bf that i passed my BIO midterm he said " that's great baby I'm so proud of you" and that's when i told him i was looking for a job to pay for my plane ticket then =_=" he laughed at me an said why bother I'm gonna pay for your ticket.... i was beyond crushed. ok so to who ever bothers reading this your probably thinking ok why are u crushed whats the big deal. well the big deal is i wanted to show him i could get there on my own strength with out him helping me an not only that i thought if i did it myself it would mean more to him showing him just how much i want to be with him so when he said that to me it was like a major slap in the face.=_=" most girls would love a guy who buys her everything an anything but i like doing these things for myself.I'm not complaining about him doing these things ( well actually i am) i just wish he could understand theres a limit an that I'm capable of taking care of myself is all...lets see what else is there to tell o yea SPRING BREAK is approaching an i plan to hang out with my friends an sleep over at there houses at random lol. I hung out with my friend Corey just the other night n had a blast but the whole time i was out i felt a if something or rather someone was missing (I'm referring to my boyfriend...don't u just love how no matter what i talk about it comes back to him lol). well there's a reason for that an i know it may sound stupid but the one thing i have noticed about being an army girlfriend vs just being a ordinary girlfriend as an army girlfriend when i miss him i cant just call or go to his house an see him, when i hang with friends i cant text him to meet me at so an so i get mad when i get a text an the name that pops up isn't his an when I'm out having fun i feel guilty because hes not by my side an theres always a chance he may never return to it. i love him so much an i hate that my mother hates me hanging out with my guy friends because she doesn't trust ill be faithful when if u asked her she cant tell u my fav color an can barely remember my name she knows nothing about me or my boyfriend she has no idea just how in love with him i am and she dares to judge me i go out the house if I'm lucky once a month gah she erks me if not for my dad i would have left this house the day i turned 18. o well cant choose your family all u can do is run from them an prey they don't come chasing an if they do run faster. i guess that's all for the night as i sit here waiting for my phone to go off an hope its him.

Gahhh!!!!

Ok so i am desperately looking for a job at the moment (first job at that =o)i wanna earn money so i can buy a plane ticket to go visit my boyfriend once school is out. The way it usually works is i wait for him to come home on leave an when he dose he travels 4HOURS to my house to see me or we meet in the city half way, but this time i wanna go to him an show him just how much he means to me with my own strength an with the money i make on my own. When he first asked me to come he was beyond shocked when i told him i would and that's a promise i want to keep. I want to have as many nights with him as possible can. I love waken up in his arms. Are favorite moments are just being alone watching tv or when we lay around an he watches me read an when i notice him watching he makes me read aloud to him. If getting a job allows me to have more moments like this then ill work my ass off lol. Well that's all for tonight catch you again tomorrow byez!!<(^_^)>

My first RANDOM BLOG!

hmm hes the only thing on my mind so i guess ill write about him

Current mood: animated

hmm ok so im currently bored outta my ass an as always im alone
(oh yea peace an quiet gotta love it)
anyways lets see what is their really to talk about...ah i got it ok so im no longer single(woot <(^_^)>) lol everyone i know has been trying to get me with my bestfriend of 5yrs an now hey look we are togther! Now that they have finnally got their wish they all stupidly ask me the same question ^_^ are you lonely?(my boyfriend/bestfriend is in the army*which is why they ask) ok now that, that is explained ill explain why its a dumb question to ask me HELLO people dont u think its a lil to late to ask that we are already togther you should have thought of that before pushing us togther lol j/k. NO IM NOT LONELY or sad (like my nosey arse sister thinks) im just fine. let me guess you all think im weird for being fine even thought i pretty much see my bf about 2or3 times a year. Well its true i might just be weird ^_^ but the thing i love most(well not really most) about being with him is that i have my space im so used to being alone i actully prefer it NOW HERE IS THE THING I REALLY LOVE MOST ABOUT BEING WITH HIM EVEN THOUGH I LOVE HAVING MY OWN SPACE I LOVE IT EVEN MORE WHEN HE ENVADES IT.(NO SEXUAL PUN INTENDED) Yea i know im a walking contradicting hot mess, but thats ok because he loves me all the same an i love him to. But lets get back on track here (you know the whole lonely an space talk) to me this relationship is totally odd even though i dont mind him being away when i lay down to go to sleep i always feel as if something is missing (i wonder if he feels the same???) then i as lay there wonderin what exactly is missing i end up imagining his face. But even the times when i miss him the most i still never feel lonely.

(the purple is a convo i had with mimi about how i feel)[mimi by the way is one of my friends =)]

when hes gone i barely ever feel lonely because he always lets me no is some way that hes thinking of me (I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM)
an every chance he gets he talks to me or text me

but when hes here my happiest moments are by his side however i only see him once every visit an the rest of the time he dosent speak to me (lil side bar here, dont take that statement the wrong way people hes away more then hes home and im not the only one who misses him thus are time is limited per visit duh)

it's like when hes close an i cant reach him i feel like crap but when hes far away he makes me feel as if hes next door (it's a perplexing feeling, it is lol)

(end of friend convo/damn iv wrote alot thus far kudos to anyone who actully reads this damn thing)


so in short(lol dont u wish this whole thing was short) uh em
when hes not here by myside im never lonely because he makes me feel special so that i wont feel the distance...but when hes here i do feel lonely because i wanna keep him locked im my room (once again no sexual punn intended/aint i just a selfish lil bastard for thinking that way =_=")


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>awwwww i wrote my lil heart out