Our Own Cinderella Pact

OK Hello All its been a while but I'm back with news. My friend and I have started our very own CINDERELLA PACT! which is a diet an exercise plan we have created with the purpose of reaching a certain weight an a goal. Currently i weight 133lbs my goal weight is 123lbs. i go to see my boyfriend May 21 so as you can see i don't have much time to get to my weight goal and make it my constant weight.In fact i only have about 26 days. My goal is to be able to look good in a camo string bikini that i really really really want. Each Sunday i will make a post letting everyone know progress an weight wish us luck!

Love letter

Dear Lover boy (lol)

I hold you dear
you are who I think about day to day
I'm writing you this letter so you know your on my mind
and that your the only guy who drives me wild
I miss your lips pressed against mine
your arms I no longer feel
your heart I can no longer hear
I count down the days to when we meet next
the more I count
the further away you seem to get
my hair stays a mess
my legs I hate to shave
going out sucks I never know what to wear
all of it dosnt seem to matter if your not here
my beds always half empty
and my heart always seems lonely
but I want you to know I love you baby
I miss your smile
and the look you feed me when ive done something dumb
I miss the sound of your voice and our reasuring talks
as long as your with me you can belive you'll never have to worry
because can't no other man do it like you honey lol
I hate getting txt if there not from you
I sometimes wish everyone else would stop calling my phone
I smile when you say baby
I glow when you say I love you
I tingle when you tell me u miss me
because I know iv finally found the one I'm meant to be with


P.S if you haven't already guessed ill let you in
on a little secret I'm totally inlove with you

Sexual Fear =-/ (convo with me an a friend..i also added in some side points)

Mandy says:

i wonder if i can get sick on may 20th (im suppose to fly out to see my boyfriend may 21st)

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

>_> dude

if you don't wanna have sex

tell him

or dont go

that way

you avoid it all together

Mandy says:

thats why i wanna get sick the day before =_= an its not that i dont want him im scared ill get scared an push him away =_=" thus ending in a fight.i hate fighting

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

true

Mandy says:

i feel like a rape victim when im really the one who victimized myself because i didnt want to fight or be yelled at( for those who are lost i let my first/exboyfriend have his way with me an conformed to everything he said so he wouldnt yell at me an so we wouldnt get into fights)ps...yes i know i was stupid

i feel like im that girl all over again

its 40 plus days away an im already shaking in fear

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

*pats*

if he cares for you

then he'll either

take it slow

or not do it at all

he might seem as though he wants it

because you're not there

but once you get there

and he sees it for himselr

self*

then he'll judge

and see how to take it

Mandy says:

he dosnt even know im scared

an i dont know how to explain it

[i][b][c=63]ѕĸínless[/c=1][/b][/i] says:

THEN TELL HIM INFIDEL!!

just as how you told me

you tell him

can't make it any clearer

>_>

END OF CONVO

to explain the convo above i don't know how to explain to him how i feel when it seems that we are about to have sex. or rather i don't know how to make him listen long enough to what i have to say. my friend said that from how i explained it to her she believes I'm Coitophobic which is a condition of having an abnormal, and extreme fear of having sexual intercourse. personally when i am put in a position that is sex related i either cry or become very scared and tend to look like a deer in hide lights to say the lease. however this only occurs for me when the guy takes the sexual lead. i personally however can not take the lead my self because id stop at foreplay an then get scared an timid as to what happens next. Time is ticking and the time for me to see him is getting closer an closer i don't know what to do and i don't want to loose him but if i told him all this i doubt he'd believe me at this point only 3 people believe everyone else just think its a joke =(

Is sex really that important prt2

Ok I'm really sorry you guys for repeating a topic but i need to get this outta my system. So thanks to you i have an understanding that i don't find sex to be important or worth while because of my past bad experience and that maybe i need someone to treat me as if it was my first time so i wont be cynical to the idea. But what you guys don't know is that the well on that story runs deeper then you know. Ok to put it simply I am very much fucked up in the head about sex. when i was younger if my ex boyfriend wanted it i gave into him because it was my first experience with a guy outside of friendship(aka i was stupid as hell). But oh well i cant change the past and the problem right now is the present. So here's the thing my boyfriend has made it very clear that he wants to have sex with me but I'm scared. and i don't mean scared as in i don't think I'm ready i mean if a guy climbs on top of me or tries to penetrate me i become terrified. My boyfriend and my friend slept over at my house an as a joke he tackled me on the bed n i went into shock my friend noticed why i reacted the way i did but he didn't an i played it off saying what are u doing shes watching we laughed an he stopped. Every time i try to bring up how i feel about sex he thinks its either me being modest or i need to loosen up. Then he says am i so wrong for wanting my girlfriend in every way. I totally understand where he is coming from but i wish he could understand my problem and my fear.

Rather lonely

So it's only been a Little over a month since iv last seen him but i cant help but feel lonely. I guess he is really busy at the moment because he doesn't call an he barely ever txt me. I don't know if this is weird or not but i light up when i get a txt from him but as soon as I reply i feel lonely because i know that i might not get a reply from him. at least when he gos to bed he txt me saying goodnight so i know he is thinking of me. Now that i think about it i think all of his txt he sends is just to let me know I'm on his mind. which is probable why once i respond i get nothing back. eh who knows I'm just talking in circles here. to be honest when he usually went away it never really bothered me because we talked alot but now that we don't talk at all everything seems so blah. I try to pass the time by planing what to bring when i go see him at his base so far i only know the 6 books I'm bringing to help me pass the time when hes working =_=". It sucks that i still have 49 days to wait until i can be in his arms again but that's just the way it is. Plus I'm lucky because alot of other army girlfriends/boyfriends have a much longer wait than i. Ok I'm gonna stop wasting every ones time with this blog n say goodnight.